I'm not sure 'if you like it you should've put a ring on it' applies to coffee tables.

I tried the hugs. Today I want the drugs.

That was a bad 10 minutes when Twitter was down. I was reduced to telling jokes to the dog, and that bastard never stars.

If you live with your parents too long, you may become an ingrown heir.

Don't buy a really nice van and then skimp on the candy.

Stalker is an ugly term I prefer 'proactive new best friend'.

I was once expelled from a school of thought.

Ok, I faced it; I'm addicted to love. What now? Outpatient treatment? Sex therapy? Robert Palmer never specified.

I look forward to reaching the age where silence indicates wisdom instead of confusion.

How to be a motherfucker: 1) Find a woman with a kid. 2) Fuck her.

When the boss brings around the new guy at work to meet you, scream, "Stranger danger!" and dive under your desk. #paytonlifetips

If the good Lord had wanted me to work, I would have been born with a job.

If you're thinking of having a child, please ask yourself, "Does the world really need another me?"

I just had the urge to go buy some excercise equipment and get in shape.

It's OK. It passed.

Harvesting organs does not make you a farmer.

'Shark Week', not 'Shank Week'? Really? Well, it looks like I have a few apologies to hand out.

I'm starting to wonder if success on Twitter and employability are inversely correlated.

The horror of composing the perfect tweet, and then noticing that you've gone over the 140 character limit.

Virtual Jesus died for your Sims.

Just told myself, "Stop thinking." Best. Advice. Ever.