Date rape is never funny unless it's French skunk on painted cartoon cat. Then it's hilarity for children of all ages.

I hope after I die my skull will be used to scare the Goonies in the inevitable remake.

Sometimes, when I'm eating mashed potatoes by the fist full in my underwear, I try to figure out how a catch like me is single.

When I brush my teeth, I leave the toothbrush in place and move my head around it. I'd be a good girlfriend.

It turns out just being in a foreign country doesn't give you diplomatic immunity. My sincerest apologies to Queen Elizabeth.

I don't like the term "sexual partner" because it makes me think of "lab partners" in school. Either way, I end up doing most of the work.

I'm going to dress my baby I'm all the best indie band onesies. That's all the parenting I plan on doing.

I like that they're called Magnums. You know, just in case having a big dick isn't impressive enough, your condoms get a really cool name.

I won't consider myself a success until they make a set of Lego's based off my adventures.

I feel horrible for my waitress. How horrible must her life be if refilling my drink is really "her pleasure"?

I tied little rockets to my shoes thinking it would make me run faster, but now I don't have feet and I miss them very much.

I'm attracted to smart girls, which sucks because they are, by definition, not attracted to me.

When ever someone posts a picture I think, "This could be boobs. It won't be boobs, but it could be. I'll check it out."

Statistically, I've never died before, so I will most likely never die.

When I mention that I don't drink or smoke pot, it's like I casually put a Bible on the table.