I like how having Piñata's at a child's birthday party teaches them to beat the shit out of something until they get what they want. Nice.

Word of the day "Omelet" used in an ebonics sentence: "I should pop yo ass fo what you jus did, but omelet that shit go!”.

There comes a moment in time when a girl just needs her ass slapped and her hair pulled.

The first fuck is always an audition.

Since I joined Twitter, I notice how wordy people can be in real life. I mean, shut the fuck up already.

The reason I swear so much is because fuck you.

I hate when people take the posted speed limit so fucking seriously.

I have an orgasm fetish. I want them. I want to see them. I want to hear them. I want to give them. And not in that order.

I hate how my job always expects me to show up.

Pretending to tolerate other people is exhausting.

Make sure to look both ways before you go fuck yourself.

It takes a special kinda fucked up to be me.

Got free coffee because I told the guy at Starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.

Some people just need a hug. ....Around the neck. ....With a rope.

Do angry people know about naps?

Wanted: Benefits ....fuck all the friend bullshit

You know what really excites me before my morning coffee? More sleep.

Just accidentally sent my teenager a text asking about "porn" pictures when I meant "prom" pictures. I will never live this down. Never!

How many times do I have to roll my eyes to start burning calories?

I want "cocksmith" added to my fucking tombstone.