My son laughs like a serial killer, no joke. It makes us uncomfortable so we don't let him out of his cage in the basement too often.

When a person stars my tweets but doesn't follow me, it makes me feel like the girl that's good enough to fuck but not good enough to marry.

I can't help it. When I see skinny, single women, I automatically assume they can't cook.

Do guys that joke about wanting to be a gynecologist realize if a woman needs one, there's likely something not good going on down there?

Just once, I bet Maury Povich wishes he could say "Damn bitch, do you just spread your legs for anyone?"

Living in a trailer doesn't always make you trailer trash, but being on Jerry Springer AND living in a trailer pretty much seals the deal.

After browsing all the trending topics, I've decided I'm not qualified to participate in them. You know, because I'm literate. And white.

If you don't keep a pen/paper by your bed to write down potential tweets you're probably happy, more mentally stable than I am and fuck you.

I hate it when I can't fit the word "fuck" in a tweet because I don't have enough characters left. The whole tweet somehow seems diminished.

Sometimes I want to look up ppl from high school that said I was ugly and say, Look at me now bitches! lol j/k I was hot in high school too.

I don't care what your question is, pancakes is the answer.

Wow. I've never lost followers before. I guess I'm finally doing this right!

I'd make an account for my dog, but I'm afraid she'd be funnier and have more followers than me.

I am an Atheist. If this offends you unfollow me. If not, fine, but the next Bible quote I see is a guarantee you're off my timeline.

Why aren't you hackers being constructive and stealing the accounts of the idiots that put people like Megan Fox on the leader board???

I do apologize for deleted/reposted tweets but I simply must correct spelling or grammatical errors. This shit is for posterity you know.

I'm not one of those people that eats to drown my feelings. I eat because I like food. I drown people that make fun of me.

Yep, Mom's on happy pills tonight. She just told Dad he's full of "poopy" instead of calling him a fucking shit head like she usually does.

Speaking of the price of gas ... well, it really speaks for itself. It's saying "Take it up the ass America!"

Sigmund Freud was the Wizard of Id.