People are like cakes

and not all cakes have layers

or leave a good taste in your mouth.

Why are you taking pictures of me?

"I want to tape them to my sex doll."

Ok, I was afraid it was for something weird. Like scrap-booking.

Packing the last bits of my house.

Things I'd rather be packing:
1. Bowls.
2. Heat.
3. Bodies in my trunk.
4. Luggage to Europe.

Fucking gravity. It's only good for bongs, and being defied.

When an Atheist says "I'm sure as Hell not..."

Isn't that a double negative?

"Sorry."

That's the thing you say when you get a girl pregnant, right?

Why the fuck are they fucking brownie points if I can't fucking turn them in for a fucking brownie?

Just give me a fucking brownie. Fuck.

I love Homophobes!

That's when one word sounds just like another word but is different, right?

Then everyone beats up that different word.

Don't beg for stars unless you're willing to do tricks.

Lay down.

Roll over.

Now do that one thing for me, yeah?

Shut up.

#UKnowUrHighWhen someone asks if you're high, and you reply, "Noo i ate a bunch of mashmelows."

I like how we treated Favstar crashing for ten minutes as an emergency like an earthquake or running out of weed.

Just got off the couch. Wow. There's a lot of gravity up here.

I've never been so proud.

Today, my phone learned "fingerbanging" and "cokehead."

But not in the same sentence.

I hear sucking dick removes 70% of plaque, and that's why I don't think you need a dental plan.

Creating an army, I mean, teaching friends how to use Twitter. "And this is the part where you star everything I tweet."

Three days deciding if I should finally accept my Mom on Facebook, then I remember it took her three years to accept the things I 'like.'

The hot girls only want to date each other. #guyproblems

If I don't make it home in time, I want you guys to know it's been great.

And I keep my weed in the Monkey Box. Don't let that go to waste.

The internet has made txting just weird. How can I give my friends their validation without a 'like' button & gold stars.

So, I'm only 7 more followers away from a potentially meaningless goal? #DrinksOnMe