It's a perfect day for Shih Tzu shaving.

My bed head weighs 97 pounds. pic.twitter.com/3bWVoU6jla

I suppose you're wondering
why I brought you all here.

I've located no less than a half dozen full boxes of band aids around my house. Apparently I'm expecting a paper cut apocalypse up in here.

FUCK YO COUCH!

Just kidding Randy. Mind if I sleep on it? I spilled nacho cheese on my bed again.

Dont look at me. I just write them.

What doesn't kill you makes you stronger, except for bears, bears will kill you.

Some days, I feel like I'm wearing shithead attractant or something.

There's plenty of ice cream shops, but nowhere to go out for cake!

#ThroughTheWormhole

Liam Neelson in..

Is This Seat Taken?!

(Come on SNL! it's THAT easy!)

Technically only my urine was trespassing.

Winning $2 on a quick pick is like a drug dealer getting high on his own stash.

Just got the whole run down on that TV show Switched at Birth. It's actually stupider than I thought.

@pellmull dang, bear

There is really no shortcut to feeling good about yourself... it simply requires doing good for others.

Relationship Status: Laminated my Twitter crush list.

Friend said his religion worships fertility & genitalia. That sounds a bit sack-religious to me.

BOOM!

*Drops mic* *Pop & locks off stage*

Pacing back and forth waiting for the other fat guy to exit the candy isle. It's a respect thing.

I hope the people who buy those cupcakes tomorrow like the taste of my kids' saliva.

Why are all my favorite people disappearing for days at a time? Was it something I said? Do you not like my new Axe body spray? WTF!?

Made up Word of the Day:

Difficunty.