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It's a perfect day for Shih Tzu shaving.
I suppose you're wondering
why I brought you all here.
I've located no less than a half dozen full boxes of band aids around my house. Apparently I'm expecting a paper cut apocalypse up in here.
FUCK YO COUCH!
Just kidding Randy. Mind if I sleep on it? I spilled nacho cheese on my bed again.
Dont look at me. I just write them.
What doesn't kill you makes you stronger, except for bears, bears will kill you.
Some days, I feel like I'm wearing shithead attractant or something.
Liam Neelson in..
Is This Seat Taken?!
(Come on SNL! it's THAT easy!)
Technically only my urine was trespassing.
Winning $2 on a quick pick is like a drug dealer getting high on his own stash.
Just got the whole run down on that TV show Switched at Birth. It's actually stupider than I thought.
There is really no shortcut to feeling good about yourself... it simply requires doing good for others.
Relationship Status: Laminated my Twitter crush list.
Friend said his religion worships fertility & genitalia. That sounds a bit sack-religious to me.
*Drops mic* *Pop & locks off stage*
Pacing back and forth waiting for the other fat guy to exit the candy isle. It's a respect thing.
I hope the people who buy those cupcakes tomorrow like the taste of my kids' saliva.
Why are all my favorite people disappearing for days at a time? Was it something I said? Do you not like my new Axe body spray? WTF!?
Made up Word of the Day:
...once a child, twice a villain... http://favstar.fm/users/PellMull/most_retweeted