Girl you're one in a million, which makes you 1000 in a billion which makes you 6800 in 6.8 billion. So yeah, fuck off I can find another u.

Believe in yourself. I mean, if people can believe in a guy that lives in the clouds and watches kids as they masturbate, then why not?

RTing someone's tweet when you have no followers is kinda like sharing a joke you've heard somewhere, with a tree.

I'm a really nice person once you get to know me, but that won't happen because I'm an absolute dick to strangers.

My cousin just stole a joke from Twitter and posted it on her Facebook status...

She is now no longer my girlfriend.

I saw a girl today, she looked like an angel.

Satan, to be specific.

There's a spider in my bathroom sink, well... it's his sink now.

If you don't get a certain joke then just shut the fuck up about it, because asking for an explanation just makes everyone want to stab you.

"You're beautiful to me" is just a polite way of saying "you're ugly to everyone else".

Don't wanna sound racist or anything, but all M&Ms taste the same.

If I ever ask you how you are doing, know that I am only asking so that I can begin phase one of sexual molestation.

We're too busy complaining that life is unfair to notice that we are not the ones that it is unfair to.

If I unfollowed people because they tweeted a few shitty tweets, I'd have to unfollow myself a few thousand times.

So I was going to tweet something "hilarious" but then I read your tweet and now I've lost all my self esteem.

No teenagers, forever doesn't mean two months.

I like sports as much as the next guy that doesn't like sports.

My penis is so small that it can go into your vagina, build a house, settle down, get married and then have a couple of penis babies.

I'm actually a very nice person in real life. Just kidding, I don't exist in real life, neither does anyone else in your timeline.

Every time I send a tweet, Satan strokes his boner.

I always get nervous whenever I'm on a plane and I see people wearing turbans... God damn voldemort, I know you're there!