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It must be hard to address Princess Peach without sounding sarcastic.
Midol = Tylenol PMS
If you're buying more than one roll of toilet paper at a time, you're probably beating me at life right now.
So we agree: A better name for pineapple and ham pizza would be Hawaiian Brunch.
As far as high-brow potential porn parodies go, 'A Heartbreaking Work of Staggering Penis' is probably my favorite idea of the day.
The first rule of solipsism club: There may not be a solipsism club.
I'm going to miss using the phrase "Apocalypse notwithstanding."
Arabian Apparel seeks eye models
Indonesian shoplifter has hands cut off, regrets stealing mittens
I'm going going back back to stutter therapy.
"Almond milk...low-fat granola...I reign supreme...bitch, Ayatollah." --viable Rick Ross lyric I just wrote while eating...guess.
The best part of being done with college is that I get to tweet when I can't sleep; the worst part is that this isn't a form of employment.
My high school was a solipsism academy. I got voted 'most likely'. #nbd #nuffsaid
Comic & comedy writer & Austin Film Festival Finalist. Below? Those are my [jokes]. If you don't like them, I have others.