It must be hard to address Princess Peach without sounding sarcastic.

Midol = Tylenol PMS

If you're buying more than one roll of toilet paper at a time, you're probably beating me at life right now.

So we agree: A better name for pineapple and ham pizza would be Hawaiian Brunch.

As far as high-brow potential porn parodies go, 'A Heartbreaking Work of Staggering Penis' is probably my favorite idea of the day.

"Not This Friday, but the Following Friday" #OneSequelTooMany

The first rule of solipsism club: There may not be a solipsism club.

spiritual-but-not-religious mantis

I don't have enough quarters for 2 loads of laundry, so I will be washing my whites and colors together, as Dr. King would have wanted. #MLK

Shoot first, ask rhetorical questions last #whathaveidone

I'm going to miss using the phrase "Apocalypse notwithstanding."

The world is ending. And I never even ran a marathon dressed as the Black Power Ranger, sporadically shouting "It's endorphin time!" #yolo

My eyes expunge excess testosterone during heartrending performances #LesMisAdvanceScreening #ImNotCrying

Arabian Apparel seeks eye models

#Beatles re-ignite decades-old controversy, boasting "bigger Twitter following than Jesus"

Indonesian shoplifter has hands cut off, regrets stealing mittens

I'm going going back back to stutter therapy.

"Almond milk...low-fat granola...I reign supreme...bitch, Ayatollah." --viable Rick Ross lyric I just wrote while eating...guess.

The best part of being done with college is that I get to tweet when I can't sleep; the worst part is that this isn't a form of employment.

My high school was a solipsism academy. I got voted 'most likely'. #nbd #nuffsaid