Men think b4 u say things to women like"stop crying about nothing"That ability is what stops us from killing u and eating the children.

I need to pay more attention. My daughter just said she HATED her sister. And I said "I do too honey."

When I snuggle up to my snoring, google eyed, squished face Pug, all I can think is "fuck, why can't we have anything nice."

Sometimes I think ...... had I not have been born in Canada, it's quite possible I would've shot someone in the face by now.

I have 69 swallowers. Oops I mean followers!

When my husband tells me I'm being hysterical over the new disease I have. I check Web MD to see if Hysteria is one of the symptoms. IT IS!!

I'm forcing teen daughter out of bed so she can * make the most of her day. (* play UNO w/ her sister while the meds kick in & I tweet.)

I probably won't be on twitter much tonight, I have to help my daughter fail her biology exam tomorrow.

Quitting is the easy part, it's the lifelong vigilance of keeping your inner addict in check that's a pain in the ass.

Twitter is like the youporn of funny people. I'm really relived to know that so many people get their funny on. Thanks you crazy tweetheads!

You know those kids that when mad punch themselves in the face or bash their heads into things?....That's retarded.

I hate when I'm all happy and self confident and I eat and I gain 10 lbs cause I think I'm so awesome. Self loathing please come back.

From conception we make sure our babies are healthy and all their things smell nice and are clean. Then they grow up and mess our shit up.

If cleanliness is next to Godliness , why I am such a kick ass housekeeper only when I'm angry? Is it really the devils work? I'm confused.

My problem has never been not stopping to smell the roses, the problem is remembering to water them.

The next time a 20 yr old tells me that 40 is the new 30. I'm gonna pull up my skirt and ask them to repeat that to my prolapsing vagina.

I'm teaching my daughters how to plaster. Because I love it & it comes in handy when you have to kick out a psycho BF & you're renting.

Is it just me but doesn't FYI sound cunty? Like it might as well stand for Fuck You Idiot.

U know how FB status' are boring. Well my status says I've discovered I have tits on my ass + I've shit myself twice in public.Thanks kid!

You always hurt the one who loves you most. Thanks for always being there to make me feel bad about myself......Food.