Every time I see my child do something ridiculously stupid, it makes me wonder if I only swallowed the smart loads.

Sex is a real thing right? I'm hoping I didn't dream that shit up.

Chivalry is not dead, whenever the husband and I take a shower together, he always pee's facing away from me.

9yo: Mommy it's lightening

Me: Gods mad cause you didn't clean your room.

There aren't many benefits to being short, but always being able to say 'petite' when I say my pant size sure make a girl feel good.

My dildo is covered in glitter. NEVER AGAIN!

So my daughter wakes me up this morning and I feel like a vibration so I'm thinking she has my phone.. nope my vibrator.

It's -9 below outside. Locked my keys in my car. My nipples are so hard I cut a hole in the window to open the door with them.

There is no greater feeling than after a half bottle of wine. Except maybe a dick, but we all know the wine lasts longer.

What the fuck ever happened to Calgon? Cause I'd really like to be taken away.

I never get to sing that "I just had sex" song.

It's not true that men like to be complimented.

I just told my husband he has an awesome wife and now he won't talk to me.

Kitty litter tampons.

BOOM

Fucking football again...

My husband just left for work. He doesn't work today... Fucker

I'm not that slutty, I won't fuck clowns or cops.

(is married.. to a cop who acts like a clown)

I really need an answer to this question:

Can you tell me how to get, how to get to Sesame Street? SERIOUS ANSWERS ONLY PLEASE I AM LOST!!

To the guy who vandalized my local movie theater sign to say "Pussy Boobs" instead of "Puss in Boots", thank you.

When I drink and drive, I usually just play the song "Jesus take the wheel" you know, just in case.

DOES ANYONE ELSE GET SCARED WHEN A TEXT READS "Can I ask you a question?"