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#WeAllGotThatOneFriend that never pays you back.
Do you smoke? Smokers: "Yes." Non-Smokers: "Never have, never will." Stoners: "Smoke what?"
If you can't be 100% yourself you are not with the right people.
In 20 -30 years from now, one of the hardest things our kids will have to do will be finding a screen name that hasn't already been taken.
Anything I have ever learned about One Direction, The Kardashians and Taylor Swift has been completely against my will.
When I die I want my tombstone to say free WiFi so people will visit more often. I will also name the network "HELP, I'M STILL ALIVE!"
Awkward when you don't know whether to hug or kiss or fuck.
How did the hipster burn his tongue? He drank coffee before it was cool.
In wine there is wisdom. In beer there is freedom. In water there is bacteria.
People who say "laughter is the best medicine" definitely have never popped a Xanax.
People who spread germs make me fucking sick.
All plastic people eventually melt.
Reflections on my entire life always occur when I'm trying to go to sleep.
Hopefully there will come a point in my life where I don't have to explain that Persians are not Arabs.
The best tweets aren't funny, they are honest.
I’m almost never serious yet I’m always too serious. Too deep, too shallow. Too sensitive, too hardcore. I’m like a collection of paradoxes.
Walmart has the worst customer service. It's almost as if the workers are barely getting paid.
Dear twitter, I never want to find people I know.
twitter please stop telling me how many people followed someone else.
Diverse knowledge of the random and fascinating. Connoisseur of everything awesome. Genius whose work will be appreciated in a 1000 years.