#WeAllGotThatOneFriend that never pays you back.

Do you smoke? Smokers: "Yes." Non-Smokers: "Never have, never will." Stoners: "Smoke what?"

In 20 -30 years from now, one of the hardest things our kids will have to do will be finding a screen name that hasn't already been taken.

Awkward when you don't know whether to hug or kiss or fuck.

When I die I want my tombstone to say free WiFi so people will visit more often. I will also name the network "HELP, I'M STILL ALIVE!"

If you can't be 100% yourself you are not with the right people.

I’m almost never serious yet I’m always too serious. Too deep, too shallow. Too sensitive, too hardcore. I’m like a collection of paradoxes.

#ThePissedOffMoment when you realize that Kim Kardashian’s failed marriage could have paid your college tuition for 2,833 years.

Anything I have ever learned about One Direction, The Kardashians and Taylor Swift has been completely against my will.

People who spread germs make me fucking sick.

All plastic people eventually melt.

Watching KG practice his layups before the Celtics game! #TeamCeltics pic.twitter.com/ZX6V9pot

Reflections on my entire life always occur when I'm trying to go to sleep.

I know it's generic but I'm drunk.

Uggs were never a good look. Ever.

People who say "laughter is the best medicine" definitely have never popped a Xanax.

Marijuana - A beautiful plant which has a pleasant aroma, thousands of uses and remarkable growth is illegal?

Tech N9ne is fucking amazing.

If only George Carlin were alive....would be hands down the best twitter....

Normal people infect me with narcolepsy.