Not only do I have a great set of tits, I also read. Real books. http://t.co/DFnrelh3

@petrf2 so are you back on twitter now?

Facebook people are all posting their New Years resolutions and Twitter people have already broken theirs.

On New Year's Eve, if you really liked someone you would skip the kissing and lick them at midnight.

For someone without a penis, I say "Blow Me" way too much.

A genealogist looks up your family tree, A gynecologist looks up your family bush!

I wish I knew how to look attractive when I sleep.

From the way I star your tweets, I can tell that I want you to star mine.

I am at my absolute whoriest when I am having sex with people for money.

If you divide the number of tweets you wrote by the total number of stars you have, you get the percentage of how much life you don't have.

New rule kids. First towel is free. $5 each afterwards for two days. Touch mine and sleep in the garage.

I swear twitter is the only place where it's socially acceptable to make jokes about masturbating in the closet of someone you've just met.

Calling me paranoid just confirmed all my suspicions.

"No man is an igloo" - North Pole Ancient Proverb

My definition of diplomatic ties is asking if the ropes are too tight.

Hair up or hair down? Doesn't matter, some lucky bastard is gonna be pulling it anyway

Twitter Memo:

If you have the urge to post a pic of your kids... Control it.

I'm practicing real hard to be spontaneous.

Commercial breaks are awesome for when you want to spend time with your family.

"Wanna hear something?"
Translation: I don't really care what you say, I'm gonna tell you anyways.