Try as you might, Tweeters - you will never be funnier than an Asian trying to say parallelogram.

God I wish there was something between the cheerleader's exclamation mark and the sociopath's caps lock.

Proper lighting is such a cock-block

Before I mock religion I always ask if anyone is religious. That way I know which one to focus on : )

Nothing makes more or less sense than all day breakfast.

Instead of tweeting I've been talking to people. People who can do more than just 'twit-punch' me in the face.


Ouch

You know those people you hate for no reason? They think you're an asshole.

Accidentally tweeting a draft? Embarrassing.

Not having enough followers to care? Priceless!

Do you think factory workers think an assembly line is as dramatic as the discovery channel makes it seem?

I love it when drunk guys/girls tell me the same story twice, because I complete their sentences and they think I'm their God/Soulmate

I have a pair of pants which bunch up so it looks like I have a huge boner whenever I sit down.

I know, awesome!

I'm sick of Google controlling me.

I will be the judge of whether a 1 character password is safe or not!

Some people open a can of whoop-ass, but I prefer to uncork a nice Pinot Noir of kick-you-in-the-shins

I'm not gonna lie, a summer of 69 sounds awesome.

Well no, I don't know what a fluffernutter is, but I'm pretty confident you are one.

Have you noticed that not all women are spectacular drivers?

Whew, finally caught up to live on my TL.

*turns head*..... *turns back*

Fuck you guys.

Let's just say, anything that follows "Let's just say" is a lie

Being an 80s movie-star rocks! No matter how bad you get hurt, you only get a cut above your eye.

That and the hair.

There's nothing more terrifying than reaching out for a 'Pull' door, knowing that broken knuckles are just one asshole's ninja-kick away.