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There are two types of people: those who call 911 when finding a dead body and those who poke it with a stick.
Chocolate is not better than sex, but at least I can do it at work.
This patient is really mean, so I am nursing him back to Hell.
My biggest follower is my ass
#3wordsaftersex Am I promoted?
I have the nerves of an assassin. A really jittery, incompetent assassin.
Suicide isn't for me, I'm afraid of commitment
I like to eat ribs while watching #thewalkingdead, it makes it interactive.
I'm just a crackle and a pop away from snapping.
I have a better chance of making America's Most Wanted than I do Employee of the Month.
If SLUGGERY is not a word, by God I am coining it now
Which button do I push to tell the automated operator to go fuck herself?
If a joke does well on Twitter, I dumb it down for Facebook.
My son-in-law wants to keep his privacy; I know this, because he posted it on Facebook
I'm having a tweetup for all my followers, so I'm renting a room at a Motel 6.
First rule of nurse club: if you're sedated and/or intubated, we watch the channel I want.
I flunked out of ninja school because during roll call I yelled Here! really loud.
Possession is 9/10 of why I act like I do.
It's all fun and games until you try to buy groceries with a library card.
Peeping Toms love sexual inyouwindows
Shit happens & I clean it up. Married to Dude. Got my BS from FU. You can call me NILF.