There are two types of people: those who call 911 when finding a dead body and those who poke it with a stick.

Chocolate is not better than sex, but at least I can do it at work.

This patient is really mean, so I am nursing him back to Hell.

My biggest follower is my ass

#3wordsaftersex Am I promoted?

I have the nerves of an assassin. A really jittery, incompetent assassin.

Suicide isn't for me, I'm afraid of commitment

I like to eat ribs while watching #thewalkingdead, it makes it interactive.

I'm just a crackle and a pop away from snapping.

I have a better chance of making America's Most Wanted than I do Employee of the Month.

If SLUGGERY is not a word, by God I am coining it now

Which button do I push to tell the automated operator to go fuck herself?

If a joke does well on Twitter, I dumb it down for Facebook.

My son-in-law wants to keep his privacy; I know this, because he posted it on Facebook

I'm having a tweetup for all my followers, so I'm renting a room at a Motel 6.

First rule of nurse club: if you're sedated and/or intubated, we watch the channel I want.

I flunked out of ninja school because during roll call I yelled Here! really loud.

Possession is 9/10 of why I act like I do.

It's all fun and games until you try to buy groceries with a library card.

Peeping Toms love sexual inyouwindows