Riding my bike to the mailbox is a great time to think... about how hot and sweaty I am in the desert heat.

I will never give up my gun; I need it to shoot my Windows phone

I've been trying to look younger and now I do, thanks to this big zit on my nose.

I've never received a medal for not taking hostages after losing 50 games in Candy Crush, so I get it Unsung Heroes.

It bears repeating that some people take redundancy to a whole new limit.

My husband talks in his sleep; just one more conversation I don't have to participate in.

I've been watching this show, Scandal, but I really don't think Obama is much of an actor

Baby goat plays with huge pig:  http://youtu.be/ac-Ei73hzv4  via @youtube

My new Windows phone is so cool; it reminds me of my first computer that ran DOS.

I need to borrow an Alzheimer's patient for about an hour to fold all the baskets of clean laundry I have laying around.

Today is Dude's birthday, so I bought him a dozen roses and a new waffle iron.

Why one of our patients can't sleep pic.twitter.com/e6nVc8KJH5

Great response time by the ICU nurse to my STAT request in a patient's room. I couldn't remember an actor's name.

What scares me about the #ZombieApocalypse is that I'll be stuck with a stupid yellow Hummer whose ass end is jacked up.

I can spell vague, because it starts like vagina #shitdudesays

Me: Do you need a pain pill? Patient: Is there medicine in it? Me: :-/

All this time I thought I was Irish; turns out I'm Scotch. Single malt.

Today I had an hour-long professional massage, in home for $45. Be very jealous.

If I were Freud, I would say tweeters were stuck in the anal phase versus the oral phase about 50/50.

My neighbors think I'm a stalker. I'm calling Radio Shack to tell them how awesome this equipment is.