I am not satisfied until every square on my Eggo is filled with syrup

Men, there's a fine line between being "sensitive" and being a pussy.

Naked hugs are so much better..

Exception: Porcupines

I'm getting the feeling some people on twitter may be a bit socially awkward..

I speak fluent English and enough Spanish to get me laid and find the library apparently.

Being a woman in my thirties, I don't need to read Cosmo's 99 best sex secrets.. Been there done that..And I have better moves in my arsenal

There are a lot of euphemisms for fucking, but "I wanna pound ur pussy like it owes me money" is right up there with the best

Life isn't fair. Not by a fucking long shot


That's what Guinness is for.

Men who don't make noise when they have an orgasm--- stop that.

The worst feeling in the world is feeling disposable.

People confuse me. I think I will go live amongst the jellyfish in jellyfish fields with Spongebob

Dear lord, #rapture happens today, please make it happen while I am doing what I do best.. #GivingHead Amen.

Ex hubs gf declared I don't have a "real job."

I'm a waitress. She's a flight attendant.
Diff? My restaurant won't crash into a mountain.

#tittytuesday
My friend @lisbon71 proving my breasts are motorboat-able http://t.co/fgeE4hMg

I don't plan, I plot.

I judge how much fun I am having by how fast my iPhone's battery drains

I don't hold grudges.. I don't have that long of an attention span

Gonna avoid Haloween candy. That shit will kill ya. *lights cigarette*

My ex will be here in 10 mins to pick up the kids. Guess I should put pants on

Let the beer flow like lies from Herman Cain's mouth. #Friday