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@rhodri Aged 14, me and my best mate sat down to count our cards. He had 9, I had none. He called his mum in to laugh at me, which she did.
I thought I'd seen everything. Then I saw a porno which ended with two fellas jizzing on a size 5 Sondico footy. I dunno, man. I just don't.
@twoptwips WANT to get away with murder? Take your dog with you. No one ever suspects the dogwalker who finds the body.
In a panic, I stuff my porn into a bomb-proof safe. Teenage boys grab at me with their clammy hands. I curse the Coalition government.
An inordinate amounts of my tweets last night were about wanking and excrement. And by inordinate I mean 'a usual amount'.
@eatmyhalo I'm patiently waiting for the Sean Penn produced, Oscar nominated, 'Malvinas' starring Sean Penn. A Sean Penn film.
Grammy-winning CUNT RT @chrisbrown HATE ALL U WANT BECUZ I GOT A GRAMMY Now! That's the ultimate FUCK OFF!
@brokenbottleboy Once again, us bedroom tweeters get shafted. I'll form my own alliance. We will get nowhere, slowly.
@brokenbottleboy Paddy Ashdown came to my primary school. Channel 4 News were with him. He ignored all of us.
@martin_carr 2009: Sober, in an empty house, I listened as the BBC One continuity announcer introduced himself and his colleagues
@brokenbottleboy I've seen Dane Bowers' big toe disappear up Katie Price's fanny. I want to hear his views on tweets, for sure.
On the boredom-fuelled occasions I check the Activity tab, I see people favouriting tweets of their own which contain no links. Weird.
Low ears. Inarticulate. I scream Shauna. I roll with groups of ghetto bastards with biscuits.
Stats can't be shown as @PhilAuldPo9 has never signed in to Favstar.
