Just left a note on the ex's car saying "I STILL LOVE YOU" hope it doesn't go unnoticed. I keyed it in pretty deep.

Write a suicide note on Facebook and they try to talk you out of it.

Write a suicide note on Twitter and they correct your grammar.

I'm sitting at the bar and this drunk asshole keeps yelling "I fucked your mother".

Dad can't hold his liquor for shit.

Standing outside Home Depot throwing fur at anyone carrying paint.

Got high and let my dog drive us up to Taco Bell. Now he's argueing with the officer that the traffic light wasn't red but gray.

I just seen a black guy walk through a spiderweb and hands down it was the best impression of a white man dancing I've ever seen.

The word KARDASHIAN is in spellcheck. Shit like that is why people eat other peoples faces.

I'm starting to worry about my psychiatrist. He owns a set of inkblots that look exactly like my boss with a bullet in his head.

Roommate got drunk and passed out so I drew a picture of a Sharpie on her forehead with my dick

Text from the Ex.

Ex: Your an asshole for always having to have the last word in our fights!

Me: >>You're<<

Bought the book Coping With ADHD. So far I've drawn a pic of a puppy on the inside cover and ripped out 3 pages to make paper airplanes.

Just tried out 4 different brands of socks to see which absorbs jizz the best and now Walmart security is all over my ass

Mom always told me having one testicle doesn't make someone a freak of nature. I still say it's creepy and she should have it removed.

I recently discovered my erection is the same length as a Malibu Barbie doll. Then I found out security at Toys-R-Us carry pepper spray.

Stoned and riding across the desert on my motorcycle was fun till I realized I was on my nieces tricycle doing donuts in the driveway.

You know you're too high when watching porn you fast forward through the sex scenes just to find out what happens to the pizza.

I'm dying. It was nice knowing you all! I love each & everyone of yo...Never mind, the bartender just took my order.

Don't ever call me a sexist, sexism is wrong and being wrong is for women.

I just rimmed my margarita glass with Xanax if you're wondering how my day went.

Him to friends: I banged her like a porn star, she probably won't walk for a week.

Her: I'm not even sure he was in me the entire time