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"And where there is one set of footprints and two wavy lines, it's where I was rollerblading. Because I'm Jesus. I can rollerblade on sand."
In France, they don't call it the Hunger Games. They call it Battle Royale with cheese.
You know what really gets my goat? Chupacabras.
The "healthy options" section on this Taco Bell menu says "LEAVE NOW" in human blood?
This gorilla says his biggest strength is strength. But I would have guessed it was sign language. Hired.
Since I started tweeting my coworkers keep asking, "Phil, why don't you say those stupid things anymore?"
Ska bands came from the suburbs because that's where trumpet lessons came from.
"I hate to break it to you." -people who love to break it to you
I just realized that my cat is too smart to be my biological child.
When I die, I hope my family respects my final wish. REANIMATE MY CORPSE.
The potatoes are gone, but not au gratin.
You know the drill. But let me introduce you to the hammer and table saw.
If your head fell off, because the rain made your neck all soggy, you might be a breadneck.
Best part of being an adult? No bedtime! I've been awake for 5 years!
Spilled red wine all over my goddamn apartment. At least now the carpet matches the grapes.
“I don’t exactly know how quotes work! --I said that thing!”
I carry self help books around to stop people from talking to me. Like 'Eat, Pray, Leprosy' and '7 Habits of Highly Effective Murderers.'
Skype is for people with at least one clean room.
I wrote a short story about a boisterous zoo animal, but it's only a rough giraffe.