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"And where there is one set of footprints and two wavy lines, it's where I was rollerblading. Because I'm Jesus. I can rollerblade on sand."
You know what really gets my goat? Chupacabras.
The "healthy options" section on this Taco Bell menu says "LEAVE NOW" in human blood?
This gorilla says his biggest strength is strength. But I would have guessed it was sign language. Hired.
Ska bands came from the suburbs because that's where trumpet lessons came from.
Since I started tweeting my coworkers keep asking, "Phil, why don't you say those stupid things anymore?"
"I hate to break it to you." -people who love to break it to you
I just realized that my cat is too smart to be my biological child.
When I die, I hope my family respects my final wish. REANIMATE MY CORPSE.
The potatoes are gone, but not au gratin.
I wrote a short story about a boisterous zoo animal, but it's only a rough giraffe.
You know the drill. But let me introduce you to the hammer and table saw.
The first turtle was just a really motivated rock
My bird feeder is filled with mice because it's for owls.
If your head fell off, because the rain made your neck all soggy, you might be a breadneck.
Skype is for people with at least one clean room.
Best part of being an adult? No bedtime! I've been awake for 5 years!
terrible tweets from a terrible person
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