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You know what really gets my goat? Chupacabras.
"And where there is one set of footprints and two wavy lines, it's where I was rollerblading. Because I'm Jesus. I can rollerblade on sand."
The "healthy options" section on this Taco Bell menu says "LEAVE NOW" in human blood?
In France, they don't call it the Hunger Games. They call it Battle Royale with cheese.
Ska bands came from the suburbs because that's where trumpet lessons came from.
Since I started tweeting my coworkers keep asking, "Phil, why don't you say those stupid things anymore?"
When I die, I hope my family respects my final wish. REANIMATE MY CORPSE.
I just realized that my cat is too smart to be my biological child.
The potatoes are gone, but not au gratin.
If your head fell off, because the rain made your neck all soggy, you might be a breadneck.
Best part of being an adult? No bedtime! I've been awake for 5 years!
You know the drill. But let me introduce you to the hammer and table saw.
Spilled red wine all over my goddamn apartment. At least now the carpet matches the grapes.
“I don’t exactly know how quotes work! --I said that thing!”
I carry self help books around to stop people from talking to me. Like 'Eat, Pray, Leprosy' and '7 Habits of Highly Effective Murderers.'
I wrote a short story about a boisterous zoo animal, but it's only a rough giraffe.
"Well, you ate enough king sized candy bars and now you get a crown!" -my dentist is not funny
My family raised me Catholic. And then reality gradually lowered me into atheism.
When I cut my pony tail, I gave it to Locks of Hate. They're the charity that puts hairs in healthy people's food.