"And where there is one set of footprints and two wavy lines, it's where I was rollerblading. Because I'm Jesus. I can rollerblade on sand."

In France, they don't call it the Hunger Games. They call it Battle Royale with cheese.

Ska bands came from the suburbs because that's where trumpet lessons came from.

Since I started tweeting my coworkers keep asking, "Phil, why don't you say those stupid things anymore?"

I just realized that my cat is too smart to be my biological child.

When I die, I hope my family respects my final wish. REANIMATE MY CORPSE.

The potatoes are gone, but not au gratin.

Spilled red wine all over my goddamn apartment. At least now the carpet matches the grapes.

I carry self help books around to stop people from talking to me. Like 'Eat, Pray, Leprosy' and '7 Habits of Highly Effective Murderers.'

"Well, you ate enough king sized candy bars and now you get a crown!" -my dentist is not funny

“I don’t exactly know how quotes work! --I said that thing!”

I wrote a short story about a boisterous zoo animal, but it's only a rough giraffe.

You know the drill. But let me introduce you to the hammer and table saw.

If you laugh out loud at a tweet and don't star AND retweet it, your thumbs should be cut off. Twitter app makers: please make apps do that.

If your head fell off, because the rain made your neck all soggy, you might be a breadneck.

I don't suffer from OCD. I actually enjoy counting sidewalk cracks.

My family raised me Catholic. And then reality gradually lowered me into atheism.

When I cut my pony tail, I gave it to Locks of Hate. They're the charity that puts hairs in healthy people's food.

Coughed up a hairball. Must be my cat-like refluxes.

Accidentally bought 35 lbs of glitter instead of 35 lbs of litter. Fortunately, my cat still uses it. Unfortunately, it does not clump.