When life gives you lemons, you can make little batteries out of them. I saw it on the Science Channel.

I had friends, once. People who cared for me. I dropped those suckers for you guys. Continue w/the comedy, please.

Here's a novel idea: before taking selfies or pics of your cat, CLEAN YOUR HOUSE.

If you don't have a pic of yourself as your avi, I assume you're a secret agent & revealing your identity means the terrorists win.

I know it's bed time when the Aussies start Instagramming their lunch.

It's so cold outside I just poked 2 little holes in the front of my shirt.
This would probably be a way more popular tweet if I were a chick

I don't waste my time on Twitter, just yours.

Whenever I see someone make that <3 symbol with their hands, I pretend they're ordering a tiny cheeseburger in a noisy, crowded restaurant.

Guys, I know how to please a woman: KEEP A JOB. And be nice.

I can't keep up with who's who in the Twitter cliques. Can y'all get matching jackets like on Grease or something?

Took my beloved acoustic guitar to the shop for repair. Ended up buying another one, too. I get it, women & your shoes. I get it.

I don't need your attention for my own emotional validation. I'm strong like that.
(Star & RT that, please. KTHXBYE.)

Confession: I only followed some of you because I noticed your use of the Oxford comma. RESPECT.

Autocorrect is really just testing my grammar skills, I think.

Still waiting for word back on my Illuminati membership application.
*fingers crossed*

I buy guitars & amps so that I can play gigs & earn money to buy guitars & amps so that I can play gigs...

"About to watch a Nicolas Cage movie" is my current level of self-hatred.

If Starbucks can't invent Nutella-flavored coffee, then what's the point?

Not sure why I even sat through Celebrity Apprentice, but I was just reminded by Piers Morgan why seemingly everyone hates Piers Morgan.

Welcome to Texas... pic.twitter.com/BGjjy7JfcF