I know this is a dream because that 20-something CVS clerk's name was Theresa. Not possible.

Huge backlash to my pro-ham tweets from women in the Muslim & Jewish communities. Please know I keep a ham-free home & bed chamber ;)

"sir, can i ask why you're smoking TWO huge blunts?"
"officer, I'm..."
*turns to camera*
"double jointed"
*cop starts breakdancing*

"i am relieved to hear there are no more airbenders." #wrongfilmquotes

BRO TIP: text him "are you mad at me"

No one touch my penis for the next 20 minutes I'm doing an experiment.

"Looks like we've all got one hell of a Hangover... Part 3" #wrongfilmquotes

"i'm afraid i've got good news bears and bad news bears." #wrongfilmquotes

THE WORST PART OF PNEUMONIA IS THAT IT WONT FUCKING GO AWAY ITS LIKE DUBSTEP

Sometimes I wish I was a merman so I could sleep in the tub and not die.

"in retrospect, i should have stayed on the boat." #wrongfilmquotes

When Daft Punk wants to disguise themselves, they wear baseball caps and sunglasses over their helmets.

"eww! this soylent green tastes like jeff!" #wrongfilmquotes

Congrats to Oprah! Just heard she made the cover of next month's O Magazine!!

"My name is James Bond." #WrongFilmQuotes

"houston, we're fucked." #wrongfilmquotes

What do people with high self-esteem fuck like

“Hasta la pasta, baby.” #wrongfilmquotes

"put the wax on clockwise with your left hand, then take the wax off counterclockwise with your right hand." #wrongfilmquotes

what a day to be online!