I want my tombstone to read: Don't talk to me.

Everybody was Kung-fu fighting except that one guy. He was just singing about it.

2am: Sleep's for pussies.
9am: Sleep's legendary.

America is like Canada's New Jersey.

Decided to try thinking before I spoke and now I haven't said a word in 12 days.

Whenever my boss takes me out for lunch, I order two drinks. Just in case I'm being fired.

I bought a lot of pizza tonight, in case you're a girl who's alone and is really into eating lots of pizza.

I hope Australians don't look as funny as they sound.

Remember that one time we watched Jeepers Creepers together and you didn't even know I was there?

"Blah, blah, blah" -- authority figures.

The Hilter stache is the worlds worst landing strip.

What's the definition of trust?
Two cannibals giving each other blow jobs.

Emptiness is underrated.

I want to die the same way I was born. Being shot out of a cannon.

I'm always a little suspicious of radioactive people.

I went to the beach today and buried myself in the sand, but that was only to hide my boner.

Sometimes I cut myself with a knife because cooking is tough stuff.

Let's blow houses down, wolf style.

"We will, we will, block you!" - Queen on Twitter.

Don't feed E.T. after midnight.
He wets the bed.