My girlfriends ex-husband asked how it felt to put my dick where he used to? I told him it ain't so bad once I get passed the part he used

I get real drunk before I renew my drivers license photo just incase I'm fucked up when the cops pull me over

If she's still got both earrings in when you done, take em out & put em in your ears then go make her a sandwich cause you fuck like a bitch

I'm about to try to follow somebody with a locked account. They got over 1,000 followers & 1 tweet. I gotta see this fucking tweet

Twitter's like having a hot neighbor who sunbathes nude. You wanna show your friends but know they'd come along & somehow fuck everything up

ME: I need a new phone, this one got wet

VERIZON: How'd you get it wet

ME: I talked dirty to it

HIM: ......

ME: Water asshole. How else?

Pro Tip: If you can't do it with eye contact from across the room, there's not a pick up line in your arsenal that's gonna work on her

I don't know who's dumber

My Gf, because she's mad at me for something I did in her dream last night

Or me, because I apologized for it

COP: I've been following you for 10 minutes you asshole


ME: I'm in a slump right now but my tweets will get better you son of a bitch

Siri why do girls say nothing's wrong when its obvious something is

Siri?

Siri?!

What

What's wrong

Nothing

Something's wrong

I'M FINE

When I go to weddings I always make friends with the 1 dude who shows up in jeans because I guarantee that son of a bitch knows how to party

All my friends tell me how much they miss me on FB, except the few that found me on Twitter, they don't say a fucking word to me anymore

If you truly want my undivided attention start to tell me something then say never mind

The only thing we have to fear is fear itself

AND

When a women asks if you notice anything different

Nobody's out of your league if you know what the fuck you're doing

If I ever find a girl whose pussy taste like Reese's peanut butter cups the only time I'm coming up for air is to get a sip of milk

I didn't use protection with my Gf because she told me she had an IUD

Now I got a baby from a drunk dyslexic

If you spit when you're talking I kick when I'm listening

Don't worry newbies I had to google half the shit they talk about on here too

My girlfriend never fakes orgasms because apparently, it's easier to fake headaches