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My girlfriends ex-husband asked how it felt to put my dick where he used to? I told him it ain't so bad once I get passed the part he used
I'm about to try to follow somebody with a locked account. They got over 1,000 followers & 1 tweet. I gotta see this fucking tweet
I get real drunk before I renew my drivers license photo just incase I'm fucked up when the cops pull me over
If she's still got both earrings in when you done, take em out & put em in your ears then go make her a sandwich cause you fuck like a bitch
ME: I need a new phone, this one got wet
VERIZON: How'd you get it wet
ME: I talked dirty to it
ME: Water asshole. How else?
Twitter's like having a hot neighbor who sunbathes nude. You wanna show your friends but know they'd come along & somehow fuck everything up
Pro Tip: If you can't do it with eye contact from across the room, there's not a pick up line in your arsenal that's gonna work on her
I don't know who's dumber
My Gf, because she's mad at me for something I did in her dream last night
Or me, because I apologized for it
COP: I've been following you for 10 minutes you asshole
ME: I'm in a slump right now but my tweets will get better you son of a bitch
Siri why do girls say nothing's wrong when its obvious something is
All my friends tell me how much they miss me on FB, except the few that found me on Twitter, they don't say a fucking word to me anymore
When I go to weddings I always make friends with the 1 dude who shows up in jeans because I guarantee that son of a bitch knows how to party
If you truly want my undivided attention start to tell me something then say never mind
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself
When a women asks if you notice anything different
Nobody's out of your league if you know what the fuck you're doing
If I ever find a girl whose pussy taste like Reese's peanut butter cups the only time I'm coming up for air is to get a sip of milk
I didn't use protection with my Gf because she told me she had an IUD
Now I got a baby from a drunk dyslexic
If you spit when you're talking I kick when I'm listening
Don't worry newbies I had to google half the shit they talk about on here too
My girlfriend never fakes orgasms because apparently, it's easier to fake headaches
I'm a New Orleans Fire Fighter not an English Teacher. If my spelling, grammar or puncuation piss you off, you should hear me talk.
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