Awkward hand-on-bum situation. Getting a good grab of HIS meat. #theapprentice

"If I run, will they charge?" - They're cows, dear. Not angry ripped-off customers. #theapprentice

Glasgow Hydro: 2 months behind schedule. Edinburgh trams: 40 months behind schedule. Conclusion: Glasgow knows how to build things.

Literally all of our poems were about sadness, death and danger and the questions were like "aw write about love and happiness and flowers"

AND I START THIS NEW JOB TOMORROW. i'll be a wee engineer.

Congratulations to Broxburn Athletic Colts U17s, WLAYFC County Cup winners 2012/13! pic.twitter.com/TlgeJkfjXG

*immigrants get jobs* FUCKING IMMIGRANTS TAKING ALL THE JOBS

*immigrants stay unemployed* FUCKING IMMIGRANTS LIVING OFF OUR BENEFITS

Someone just shouted "Ella! ELLA!!" in the coffee shop. Couldn't have wanted to shout "eh eh" more in my life.

OK totally pumped to write some essay plans #letsgo

I once went down a massive water slide backwards and my trunks fell off almost immediately and it was the most naked anyone has ever been.

Listening to Justin Timberlake while I fall asleep is the SAME THING as him singing me a lullaby, right?

I want a laptop so I can also play the sims and use cheat codes and make siblings woohoo/get loads of babies and kill them/other sick stuff

Is a giant fuck-off cube really 'flat pack' furniture? #theapprentice

I think the girls need to think a bit more outside the box, or cube. #TheApprentice

Video: Men 'experience' child birth pains; their wives love it  http://ow.ly/l3FZA 

Tip for Scotrail: Find a better word than "terminate" for describing what happens at the last stop. "Where this service will end" maybe?

I despise that I adore you.

WELL SUSIE SALMON IF YE DIDNY AGREE TO GO TO AN UNDERGROUND CLUBHOUSE WITH A STRANGER MIBY YE WOULDN'T HAVE BEEN RAPED AND MURDERED

i like the letter F because it looks like u can hang things from it aka it is sturdy and practical just like a pair of clarks shoes

I refuse to believe that all there is to life is getting a job and making babies. There must be something more.