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I use a Ouija board to sext with old, dead whores.
If making the Shake Weight jackoff motion got you in shape we'd all look like The Rock by now.
There's some poor old guy out there whose daughter gets banged by the Birdman. Think about that shit for a minute.
LMAO if Obama's answer to the immigration question was "Nigga, I'm from Kenya" followed by a mic drop.
If cancer could grow feet and go to college it would enroll at Duke.
I should probably pause this speech for a sec so the lady folks can wring their panties out real quick. #pimphandstrong #DNC
Damn, Fred Willard. And I thought I was excited for the new Batman movie...
I hope Miami wins the title just to see how many faces get eaten during the victory celebration.
Today's date is 6/9. That is all.
Denver fans should blow rape whistles every time Kobe shoots a free throw.
Call me when we decide to Occupy Bourbon St.
Roger Goodell looks like the kind of guy who'd have a Pulp Fiction gimp in his basement.
I'm so high that I thought I had jury duty at the Food Court.
When I go to Popeye's I always order "the Kardashian"....a box full of dark meat.
Does getting screwed by Peyton Manning count as losing your virginity, Tebow?
My approval rating with black people is somewhere between 'big asses' and 'purple drank.'
By the way, congrats to Whitney on one week of sobriety. Keep it up, girl!
It's hell to light a cigar once it gets wet.
Hung like a horse and high as a giraffe's ass. Also, Ambassador to Saudi Labia. Also, not really Bill Clinton.