Relationship status: Incapable

I'm normally not this romantic, but why don't you rent a nice little hotel room to go fuck yourself in?

The standards for using 'epic' are so low, even 'awesome' is embarrassed

My vagina and I have a very "what have you done for me lately" relationship. Needless to say, we're no longer speaking

I need new friends. And by "new friends" I mean friends

Sometimes I lay on the floor and pretend like I'm hurt to see if my dog will help me.

My whole fucking life revolves around batteries not dying

All I want for Christmas is to be left alone.

Im not too good at flirting. Was that too forward? Take off your pants

People are annoying me today. Not you imaginary people. Real people. Real, stupid people

My version of yoga is really just me taking a nap on the floor. Namaste

I can't say "Shut the fuck up", in my head, enough times in one day

I'm wearing my crankypants now. And even though my ass looks spectacular in them, still cranky

Just like a terrible lawyer, I can't pass a bar

It makes me sad to know that people don't actually fuck off when I tell them to. :(

I always wake up in a good mood after getting laid the night before. So what I'm trying to say is, go fuck yourself. :)

Hey people with political signs in your yard, after the election do something productive with your signs. Like shove them up your ass.

Laughter is the best medicine. As are orgasms. So when I tell you to go fuck yourself it's because I care. I care.

Really so tired of trying to do what's right and be nice and still end up the asshole. I should just be an asshole.

Couples that go to see Safe Haven on Valentines Day are the same couples who have matching outfits. And you make me sick.