If it takes you 10 minutes to put on skinny jeans, you are not allowed to wear skinny jeans.

I don't want to discuss what just happened but I'm pretty sure Tickle Me Elmo and I are now friends with benefits.

I'm so good at multislacking.

Do French dudes Jacque off?

I like my panties like I like my socks, around my feet.

My inner cowgirl wears diamonds and rides reverse.

The bird that stays up partying all night gets the worm at the bottom of the tequila bottle.

This twitter account is my newborn baby that is quickly growing up to be a slutty teenage girl.

Why do we call man parts "junk"? They really are a treasure to be played with and enjoyed.

As God is my witness, I will still be wearing a thong when I'm a granny.

Sometimes I think I should quit being such a potty mouth, but then I'm like, LOLJK, FUCK that SHIT!

The scariest button on my iPhone is the "send all" button on my twitter drafts page.

I'm being sexually harassed by a meme.

Using corn to track my intestinal fortitude.

I taste like the sweet nectar of the gods. Of course anyone that's had their tongue on me already knows that.

My vibrator needs a cigarette.

I'm drunk and I've got the moves like a MILF.

I just went outside to check the mail and I got so cold my nipples carried it in for me.

People with energy annoy the fuck out of me.

Y'all I'm too drunk and tired to star your tweets. I'll just lick my phone a couple of times so you feel loved. :)