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The way I see it, if you don't take naked pics of yourself now, you're really gonna regret it when you're old and wrinkly.
Remember boys, a tree always looks taller if you mow the grass around it.
Getting married isn't an excuse to be lazy. Get off your ass and look hot for the one who was nice enough to settle for you.
Casual Friday has a whole different meaning when you work for yourself.
Public displays of affection gross me out, unless the couple is HOT. Then I just find myself picturing myself with them.
The one person in this world who truly makes me feel hot is the guy in the white van across the street with the binoculars.
If you're following thousands of people you're obviously not paying attention to me. I'm not sure you know this, but it's all about me.
No two snowflakes are the same yet I hate them all equally.
It's best we start following other people.
Yesterday my 4 yr old asked why grown-ups don't wear any clothes to bed.
Don't judge me.
The best and worst thing about Twitter is finding so many damn incredible people that you'll never ever get the chance to meet.
When someone honks at me, I always wonder how they got such a good look at my pretty face before I swerved in front of them.
When my baby's bottle runs dry, she cries exactly the same as I do when my bottle runs dry.
That's my girl.
It's a bummer when people's true colors start to show through when you didn't know they were camouflaged in the first place.
4 yo: You're better than all the other people.
Me: I'm not better than anyone.
4 yo: Why do I love you more?
Me: You're right, I am better.
2 inches too long. Don't think I've ever said that before.
I answered 8 inches, but when the dude working at Subway gave me an odd look, I had to settle for 6. It was still yummy.
People who say they are an open book I usually have no interest in reading.
Your tweets are welcome to hang out on my timeline anytime. If it gets too late, they can even spend the night.
Boys didn't ask me to dances in school because I wasn't popular. If only they knew all the hot guys that would someday follow me on Twitter.
There are people who don't like me. They absolutely love me!