No gorgeous body can out-sexy an amazing brain.

My sister-in-law is a vegetarian unless she "really needs a burger." That's like me being a virgin unless I "really need cock."

I'm about to kick this little bitch in front of me so hard that her tramp stamp is going to relocate to her shoulder blade.

I once applied at Hooter's when I really needed a job. It was comical how fast my hubby went from "It's a family restaurant!" to "FUCK, NO."

Sometimes how much the other person hates you for walking away is nothing compared to how much you'll hate yourself if you don't.

Ladies, I just can't stress how important kegels are. For example, I just made fresh squeezed orange juice. With my vagina.

Mormons at the door. I answered it in shorts and a tank. No bra. Said they were welcome to join the devil and I for coffee. They declined.

Anyone else ever get to know people over Twitter, compare then to their real life friends and decide the real life friends suck?

Amazing thing about the clitoris: it doesn't move. So if you can't find it? I can't find your cock. Sorry.

A friend actually said "He's pretty fly for a white guy..." about her new boyfriend. I hesitated for about 10 seconds, then slapped her.

Toddler: "If you were an animal, you'd be a tiger." Me: "I would, baby." Toddler: "Daddy would be a carrot." Me: "That sounds about right."

I want to buy a new house, adopt about 15 of you and live there in one happy mess of laughter and debauchery.

I'd be the fattest zombie ever. I love brains.

Sometimes I wish I was a lesbian. But then I remember that a woman can be just as big of an asshole as a man. Then I wish I was a rock.

I'm pretty sure when my neighbour was yelling about filing a restraining order he was just flirting. I like when they play hard to get.

Sometimes having a wicked rack is a hindrance. Like, 70% of the time. The other 30% it gets me whatever the fuck I want.

When I'm old I really hope my neck doesn't look more like a vagina than my vagina does.

I need a time machine, a coffee, a nicer ass, 200 grand, a belt, a new Sharpie, a half sleeve, an orgasm, and my willpower back. To start.

Realized I was singing a Shania Twain song so I slapped myself to teach myself a lesson and now I'm turned on. I'm so confused...

I wonder if a cucumber knows it's the sex toy of the veggie world...