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I'm ready with my Rick Perry joke as soon as I can remember it.
Life moves pretty fast. It's harder to capture these particular moments when you guys keep calling my fucking camera.
"Someone is posting terrible things about you on Twitter" isn't a virus; it's my text inbox.
The best alarm clocks are the ones where there's oral sex.
Oh happy people what's it like living inside a FAIRY TALE?
Ladies, your men don't want stuffed animals & balloons for Valentine's Day.
They want blowjobs & food.
You can't spell "Ray Lewis" without "lawyers."
"I'm not like other girls." - girls
Let me stop you at "I seen" and ask you to shut up about everything forever.
I wish I could up up down down left right left right B A select start my life.
The only way out is through.
Those tweets that are incomplete sentences and confusing as hell.
Logging into Facebook never ceases to make me feel like a blind kid waking up to rearranged furniture.
Instead of a book, I read every Tweet you ever posted. Maybe it should be a book even if the ending does blow.
Unofficial love child of Tony Stark and Dennis Reynolds. I only use the obscene emoji.