One time, in 2009, I put my phone down for almost 8 minutes.

Is the Internet almost over?

Still don't know what happens inside a dishwasher.

I know all I need to know about you after seeing your cell phone case.

Enough is enough, faces in pictures staring at us.

Be careful, I will listen to every second of your pocket dial voicemail.

Let's face it, I'm not for anyone.

I went outside today, you guys! It was alright.

If your text includes any emoticon, prepare to start sexting.

Babies need to stop falling down, it's not that fucking hard to walk.

Still unsure why people think differently than me.

Hey, kids, shut up about your dreams and get a job.

Why are athletes always pointing to clouds in the sky?

Just ran the stairs and dinner came up a bit if anyone would like to make out.

Well, clearly this isn't a Tweet of the Day.

Waiters who don't write down orders are not to be trusted in life.

Time to work on these abs/not eat for 3 months.

Anyone up for nothing?

That twitch while falling asleep is your insides attempting suicide. Have a good day!

Call me crazy but I know microwave minutes are way longer than real life minutes.