Every time the wife pisses me off, I hollow out her tampons and pack them with strawberry Pop Rocks.

I told my mom that bukkake is Japanese for bundt cake...

I hope I'm there when she orders dessert at the steak house.

Wife is shopping and I'm following trying to tweet.

Just ran into a mannequin while following someone else's wife.

If your boss walks in while you're tweeting at the urinal, act like you're taking pictures..

No questions will be asked.

I just used "volumizing" shampoo for the first time....

Everything sounds the same.

Only a few more weeks until the sand dollar passes the U.S. dollar in value.

The more complex the handshake, the less complex the individual.

The harder the drug...

The better the odds that it was once in somebody's ass.

I used that same 'up, up, down, down' cheat code on your mom.

If I wasn't married.... there's no way in hell I'd be going to the grocery store right now for a fucking fruit tray.

Your "coexist" bumper sticker simply means you'd lose a fistfight against a loaf of bread.

The only decision worse than your tribal tattoo...

Cutting off your sleeves to display it.

The Mullet Theory:

It blocks the sun, therefore, I can't get a red neck.

I find it hard to believe that nobody has invented a novelty tampon that shoots confetti when the string is pulled.

If you stick a Nat King Cole album up your ass, in two weeks you'll have a Neil Diamond cd.

I just saw a prostitute walking in the road and thought to myself:

I'D HIT THAT..

If I had an older vehicle

I've been terrified of Santa ever since the boy in front of me was removed from his lap and it sounded like a wine bottle being opened.

Nothing brings me more joy than watching somebody hit a pothole with $2500 rims.

Dear celebrities,
I have an idea: STOP DATING EACH OTHER!! If you date Average Joe, nobody will give a shit when you break up!

Average Joe

FoR thE yEar 2012, i will Be running for prEsident of unitEd states of ameRica!