If you stick a Nat King Cole album up your ass, in two weeks you'll have a Neil Diamond cd.

Almost opened my weather app but went outside instead.

You guys would shit yourselves if you knew how fun this place used to be.

I spend most of my weekends wearing a fire & ice condom just so I know what chlamydia feels like to an Eskimo.

I see your wedding ring and accept the challenge.

I find it hard to believe that nobody has invented a novelty tampon that shoots confetti when the string is pulled.

Stop sending me DM's to buy watches, I lost both fucking hands in a lawnmower accident, thanks for the reminder.

When somebody says "before" to me, I yell back "YOU SUNK MY BATTLESHIP" and carry on with my day.

I often feel like a 5th year senior up in this bitch.

Telling your doctor that you have a problem ejaculating is the easy part, showing him that it looks like pulled pork is difficult.

Nothing says 'pussy magnet' more than the new Casio flip phone work just gave me.

I always keep a comb in my back pocket in case I run into some tissue paper and need an emergency kazoo.

I've never once made a heart out of my hands because I pretty much hate everything.

All 5 pounds of yesterday's burrito has been released back into the wild.

I just used "volumizing" shampoo for the first time....

Everything sounds the same.

Every time the wife pisses me off, I hollow out her tampons and pack them with strawberry Pop Rocks.

Having a tv inside a bank is pointless unless they have "Point Break" playing all day.

I've been terrified of Santa ever since the boy in front of me was removed from his lap and it sounded like a wine bottle being opened.

Heading to the Craigslist barter section to trade all of my cool possessions for other peoples unwanted crap.

If dogs are such a good judge of character, why have I yet to see a jury full of Rottweiler?