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It's amazing what a smile, a kind word, and a decent set of boobs can get you
I need to have the kind of sex you don't tell anyone about after
It’s amazing the shit you can learn when you let people finish their own sentences.
Then I grabbed the back of my head and brushed harder
I was going to say "thank you", but "fuck you" came out
My hips don't lie
They rise, fall, grind, writhe, shudder, shake
But not lie
That reminds me...
Has anyone ever dipped their dick in the chocolate that hardens on ice cream?
I think that'd be a good end to my day
Tonight I learned:
Some school administrators can smell vodka in a DietDew bottle
Some moms need to be reminded that snitches get stitches
Twitter: We all throw our shit into the abyss; sometimes, a heartfelt echo of kindness bounces back to us
Not today, motherfucker
Ladies, if you're going to Kik a man during the day offering to sext him, make sure he's at work, not home having actual sex with his wife
"Fuck that feels good"
is shorthand for
"Don't stop doing that until I collapse"
I'd like to publicly thank my ass for taking up the slack for my failed hairstyle.
You're awesome, Hon!
The scale told the female ticket reservationist my bag was overweight by 26lbs
My braless tshirt told the male manager my bag was fine
So, if you're bored or don't have anything to do, please send healing thoughts for my son, Tyler, it would be GREATLY appreciated
I sneak into his room. Quiet as a whisper. Before I reach to move him “I love you Mom”. I turn him, hoping the tears fall where he cant feel
Here's a tip: I'm going to get my way. Accept that. It'll be easier on everyone
If it makes me laugh, think or wett, I'll star it
If your kiss makes her so wet you slide right in?
You've won. Collect your prize
My hipbones look best with your hands on them
i'm just here to spew...and laugh...yup, those two things. vodka, sex and stupidity are kind of my bailiwick.