I need to have the kind of sex you don't tell anyone about after

It's amazing what a smile, a kind word, and a decent set of boobs can get you

It’s amazing the shit you can learn when you let people finish their own sentences.

Just gagged

Then I grabbed the back of my head and brushed harder

My hips don't lie

They rise, fall, grind, writhe, shudder, shake

But not lie

That reminds me...

Has anyone ever dipped their dick in the chocolate that hardens on ice cream?

I think that'd be a good end to my day

I was going to say "thank you", but "fuck you" came out

tomato, toe-mah-toe

Tonight I learned:

Some school administrators can smell vodka in a DietDew bottle

Some moms need to be reminded that snitches get stitches

Twitter: We all throw our shit into the abyss; sometimes, a heartfelt echo of kindness bounces back to us

Not today, motherfucker
Not today

Ladies, if you're going to Kik a man during the day offering to sext him, make sure he's at work, not home having actual sex with his wife

The scale told the female ticket reservationist my bag was overweight by 26lbs

My braless tshirt told the male manager my bag was fine

So, if you're bored or don't have anything to do, please send healing thoughts for my son, Tyler, it would be GREATLY appreciated

Thank you

I'd like to publicly thank my ass for taking up the slack for my failed hairstyle.

You're awesome, Hon!

Here's a tip: I'm going to get my way. Accept that. It'll be easier on everyone

I sneak into his room. Quiet as a whisper. Before I reach to move him “I love you Mom”. I turn him, hoping the tears fall where he cant feel

"Fuck that feels good"
is shorthand for
"Don't stop doing that until I collapse"

If it makes me laugh, think or wett, I'll star it

If your kiss makes her so wet you slide right in?

You've won. Collect your prize

My hipbones look best with your hands on them