This motherfucker stole my mood ring. I have no idea how I feel about that!

"WHAT IS THIS, ECTASY?!"
No that's an Altoid.
"WHAT IS THIS, OXYCODONE?!"
No that's an Altoid.
"WHAT IS THIS-"
MOM GIVE ME BACK MY MINTS!

I love being on vacation, but nothing beats coming home and shitting in your own toilet

The worst part of the day is when I have nothing to distract me from my mind.

If Twitter has taught me anything it's:

1)Most women have an awesome sense of humor
2)Being married is fucking awful
3)Canadians are real

I would totally have kids if for some reason I just stopped enjoying doing everything I ever wanted to do in my life.

I love a beautiful soul more than a beautiful body.

You can fall in love with the idea of me. Anything past that and things start getting really fucked up.

I think the world would be a better place without guns, so we can focus on things like sword fighting and how to kill a man with one punch.

I smoke weed because I've done worse things completely sober.

Ending sentences with "fuck you" cause fuck you.

I just want to toss wads of paper into a trash can, professionally.

I hope the guy I steal my Facebook status updates from never finds my Twitter.

We all miss jobs. And you too, Steve.

My card got declined at Walmart and now I'm not sure what the next level of life is...meth?..Suicide? Oreos?

Roots is on so I'm inviting all my black friends over. That's what I'm supposed to do, right? They won't call me back.

I wish I liked anything as much as I fucking love marijuana.

If you don't like $5 pizza you're a communist.

My life, but with less over-due credit card payments and more topless women.

My clock has been blinking the wrong time for 2 years, so no I don't think I'm ready for any kind of commitment.