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I like hearing my grandma say "oh looks how big you've gotten" because finally someone appreciates the length of my dick.
"Yes but how do you FEEL about it?"
-Kristen Stewart in therapy
Everyone's all having kids or getting married..I'm just sitting here like "I want a new tattoo"
I'm slowly writing my will in increments of 140 characters and saving it in my draft folder. You're welcome.
Just deleted most of my top tweets because fuck those things.
Thanks Internet radio now I have no idea who my favorite musician is.
Asking twitter a question is like asking your phone for a hand.
I'm glad I never got into twerking because I hate working at Wal-Mart.
I'm really glad nothing important has happened at all in the last 3 years. Thanks, Twitter!
Don't worry mom, I'm just spending my time with strangers and giving virtual high fives through the expression of limited thought.
When you're smoking weed out of a bag, grammar goes out the mother fucking window.
Don't worry, I disappoint myself too.
The Facebook is slowly catching on to sarcasm. Next step is getting my grandma the fuck off Facebook.
If anyone ever wanted to grab a cold beer at 11 in the morning, now would be a good time.