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I'm sick of closing out every job interview with "I was young. I needed the money."
I just asked "Todd" at Citibank in India if I could change my security question to: "How many hookers did you kill in the 11th grade?"
Apparently it's legal to ask "Are you gay?" during job interviews. Apparently it's also easier to get hired if my answer is "I can be."
This fortune teller I saw on Tuesday said I was going to come into some money soon. Last night I fucked a chick named Penny - crazy huh?
Who picks up after blind people's dogs?
The cleanest thing in this Denny's bathroom is my asshole.
People with 'I follow back' in their bio seem pretty serious about following you back. And killing you.
To those of you assholes who chose to "forever hold your peace" at my wedding, you're not invited to my divorce party tomorrow night.
Blind people suck at high fives.
Hitmen are cheaper than lawyers.
If you're a woman on twitter, rest assured, someone is always enlarging your avi and thinking about fucking you.
I'm never letting Louis Oosthuizen get within 260 yards of any of my wife's holes.
I suck at robbing banks. My gun got stuck in the pneumatic air tube again today.
Some real freaks come on here after midnight. Or as we call them in America: Australians.
I wish there were as many objections at my wedding as there have been during my divorce trial.
Banks are getting ridiculous. Not so much the fees, but this bullshit about actually having cash in your account to use your debit card.
Behind every hot bikini ass avi, is the fattest chick in Sandusky, Ohio.
All I ever wanted out of a job was suspension with pay.
Some people should be limited to fifty characte
Heartfelt & sensitive observations with occasional motivational tweets. And sometimes stuff about your mom being a whore https://t.co/jDVXdtYUdQ
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