My hair is a mess. If my hair was a person it would be Tara Reid.

Drozed off, then woke with a start because a spider was chilling out ON MY FACE. MY FUCKING FACE. *twitches* MY FACE. *withers* FACE *dies*

Drunkard in the street took swig of beer, threw his arms in the air, yelling 'IT'S CUNTING CHRISTMAS'. Think I've found The One, you guys.

Lit a fag and the man beside me on the bench moved to the one opposite. So I mouthed 'yes!' punched the air and stubbed it out after 1 drag.

Lying in bed drinking red wine and eating kettle chips is the new getting engaged and buying a house. You heard it here first, kids.

Eating this Weight Watchers 'hearty' vegetable soup is actually pretty soul destroying.

PEOPLE CREAMING THEMSELVES OVER STARBUCKS CHRISTMAS CUPS: Why don't you keep one and use it all year round? Then shut the hell up about it.

Someone do the John Terry joke.

Dad not talking to me or mum because he was meant to go the Watford game today and we made him go out for lunch instead...

Little black curly hair in my box of melon slices. What's most worrying is that I prepared it myself at home this morning.

Got up at 11am. Haven't put on clothes or make up, left the house or played any games. I've napped. Now I'm sleepy. I'd make a great cat.

Stylist's Work Life makes me feel so sad. They've always had organic muesli and cycled 10 miles before I've even realised I'm out of Weetos.

Hello, Behind the Times? I'd like to report that I have just listed my first item on eBay.

Awkward moment when you're printing out a pic of a giant penis (for work purposes) and someone from sales gets to the printer before you.

Just eaten a really shit clementine.

14 more sleeps until grown adults who measure things in 'sleeps' get a festive punch in the genitals from me.

Just discovered that if I swig mouthwash at my desk, I can make it almost all the way to the bathroom before I need to spit it out.

@jamesbuyagift @helenwrites If there is anything I'd like to be jailed for, it's starting an illegal hamster racket in Oz.

Now need a mum who NEEDS advice on the topic of food allergies. Child who has recently been diagnosed and mum who's unsure. #journorequest

'Yes, I will go shopping today. I will walk at the pace of a snail and irritate the shit out of you' - the man I'm about to kill