I only delete tweets that unintentionally reveal my humanity.

Remember when we were all virgins and believed in love and happiness? We were such stupid fucks.

Sweet Jesus fuck. If I send you a text it's because I don't WANT you to call me.

The hotel maid and I are in a silent war about where the waste baskets go.

Hi. I heard there was a bag of dicks?

Brushed my teeth for the pizza dude because you never know.

If you are disappointed in someone for not conforming to who you think they should be then maybe you're an asshole.

Million dollar idea: Pizza that is automatically delivered when your blood alcohol goes over the legal limit.

Being alone won't kill you. It'll be all the feces from the cats.

Self-esteem just makes you fat.

Yes, watch the sappy romantic comedy. That will definitely make you feel better. Maybe take a fun ride on the bathroom scale later.

At least half my timeline really needs a hug and a cupcake and a backyard full of fireflies.

A phone that holds your hand when you call your mother.

There are sixty apps on this phone and not one will tell me if a guy likes me.

My Twitter break made me realize that I have a lot of filthy things to say that I cannot say anywhere else. Hold me.

I don't understand how you drink so much. I have 2 martinis and I wake up with butter in my butt and note that says LOSE THE FUCKING TECHNO.

Being around families who love each other confuses me.

ASK HOW MY DIET IS GOING MOTHERFUCKER

What? Sorry, I was judging you.

Eat cake until you know love.