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Tequila Mockingbird #EnglishMajorDrinks
Reverse Ventriloquism For Dummies
As a child I believed America was #1. Also that shoes had feelings, yo-yo's were magic & the dog ate a red balloon he was tryin to pee out.
Guys on dates: Be a gentleman. Drop the f-bomb 1st so she can be herself.
What I miss most about smoking is being in my twenties.
First they came for the people who don't know how to use email, and I was like OMG YES. Kill them.
"Ma'am. Please. HABITATS. We don't sell 'Cages' at The Herbal Gerbil."
PLEASE LEGALIZE POT SO WE CAN NEVER DISCUSS HEMP AGAIN.
Just saw the Guinness World Record's 400 liter bowl of oatmeal. Tried to take a pic, but accidentally hit Shazam and it came back "Wilco."
"YAY!! MY SONG!!" --3.1 billion brown-eyed girls
You can take my oxford comma when you pry it out of my cold, dead, and turgid prose.
MY TOP HAIRCUTS-a retrospective: Puppet Show Curtains /PTA Gumdrop /Coach Lisa's Friend Don't Need Help In The Hardware Store /Depeche Maude
What's the difference between a bagpipe & an onion? --No one cries when you chop up a bagpipe.
Sister-in-law's excited--She just bought an aloe vera plant and cannot wait for someone to burn themselves.
Who Wore It Best? Me, in these bootylicious snakeskin hiphuggers, or that python that just ate a goat
“Do you know what *I* think?” he asked in a way that it was less a question than the stage upon which he would perform his answer.
Set up the old turntable. Yea this Dylan LP sounds a bit scratchy but that's why I love the analog warmth of-Oh wait-It's a crushed sombrero
Was a mistake to argue "Graffiti's not WORST thing in world" w/Mom. Now, every jizzing cock we pass: "You LIKE that? Is THAT what you like?"