Fuck you Han Solo, there's no way you understood Chewbacca.

Wanna feel hot without going to the gym? Go to Walmart.

Is it ok to say nizzle in front of black people? Asking for a frizzle.

I've said it before, and I'll say it again. I'm drunk.

I could never be in a gang. I'm to lazy to learn all those signs or run after i shoot someone. But I'll drink 40s and smoke weed. Word!!

Ladies, if your G spot was located in my liquor cabinet, I'd find it everyday.

Sometimes I lie and say I'm going to the bathroom to jerk off cause I don't want people to know how many times I poop a day.

"That American ninja warrior challenge looks easy"-- me laying on the sofa eating ice cream and oreos.

Planning a guys night out for the opening of Magic Mike tomorrow night. We're gonna drink beer in the parking lot & be ready when it ends.

This one time, at fat camp, I cried all summer long cause I was at fat camp.

There's a lot of pain behind some of my tweets.......they'll be a lot more if my fiancé ever finds my twitter account and reads them.

Does Santa know when we masturbate????

I'm most gangsta in the morning when I'm drinking coffee with Splenda and eating low fat poptarts.

If I buy a rap CD, am I allowed to say nigga if I'm rappin the song? I'm just kidding, I still download for free off the Internet.

If its duck season and I see you making a duck face for a picture, I'll probably shoot you.

So I just heard for every 30lbs a man loses, he gains an inch of dick. My goal for this summer is to lose 160lbs.

Hat low. Dark sunglasses. Seat back. Windows down. One arm driving. Blaring Madonna. Like a boss.

Just got banned from the Golden Corral cause I stuck my dick in the chocolate wonderfall. The sign said I could use anything.....

I I just sneezed while driving and I think I pulled a muscle & shit myself, but I'm gonna tweet about before I check.

Hey all you lil thug wannabe's: instead of walking around holding your nuts, hold your breath for about 30 minutes.....