I don't eat canteloupes anyway. they give me diarrhea, aka john melon cramps.

My retirement plan is Viagra and Alzheimers.

Dear Me, please continue to be bold, brave and unapologetically you. Love, Me xxx

I wear my skinny jeans just like the rest of you: pulled up to my knees.

It would be fun, maybe even healthy, if relationships were based on appreciation and not on expectation.

So old that I now have an inner grandchild.

Oh, Standard and Poor's. The same smart-apples that recommended I buy mortgage bonds?

Would someone please tell Tim Geitner about creditscore.com.

Someone tried to feed me a soft taco with a cooked chicken foot in it.

SOMEONE TRIED TO FEED ME A TACO WITH A COOKED CHICKEN FOOT IN IT!

Weekly Meeting of the Twitter Elite™ (I'm so going to hell for this one) http://t.co/67EC0wr via @addthis

Fuck you Excell! I would rather use an abacus.

I'm not going to get out of this bed until one of you gives me atrophy.

It's sad that so many people never actually live before they die.

It no longer matters what number the big hand is on.

As long as I'm not forced to listen to a recording of myself, I'm the greatest singer in the world!

I wonder what piece of information people in the western world who keep 'accidentally' getting pregnant lack.

My wife said we're in charge because we're the parents but somebody just bit me and this place is ri-god-damn-diculous.

Currently choosing product based on which has the largest font for 'shampoo' and 'conditioner'.

You're not a real parent till you've made your kid scramble to bed when he sees you coming back up the stairs at bedtime...like a Boss.

I don't understand why so many of you ladies are single. You told them you had a pussy, right?