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Me? I'm on here to feed my instant gratification addiction, ADD, fear of abandonment, daddy issues, BPD & undying need for validation.
Draft tweet. Read tweet. Laugh. Read again. Doubt the tweet. Save to draft. Drink 4 jack n cokes. Re-read tweet. Laugh at tweet. Publish.
My five year olds idea of helping me with the laundry is taking my thongs and rigging slingshots to launch GI Joes across his bedroom.
You fear zombie apocalypse. I fear jean jackets making a comeback.
I wish I had the force right now.
*stares at remote control on other end of couch...
Every morning I referee a UFC match between my mind and my body to get up and go to work.
The devil invented carbohydrates.
Dear men who jerk off into socks. I didn't even know this was a 'thing' until twitter. The fuck?
"Chopped Elimination Round" Ingredients are:
Cinnamon toast crunch cereal
So many points of entry...so little time.
You call it shoplifting. I call it unwillingness to pay $25 for eyebrow pencil. Tomato Tomato.
Never put off till tomorrow what can be done today.
Bimbo's in avis, two word tweets full of spelling errors. 30K followers. AWESOME.
I feel pretty
Oh so pretty
I feel pretty
And horny....And hungry....And hungover...And HELP ME IM TRAPPED IN THIS MIND
I just wanted to let everyone know I masturbated this morning. It was a good time. *yawns, stretches, carries on with the day*
Stop crying over him. He treats you like shit. Dry your tears and go find a bigger dick.
I see crazy people.
Go for a run or masturbate...go for a run or masturbate....go for a run or, WAIT A MINUTE.... I can masturbate and THEN go for a run.