Not entirely sure what a "propriate" is, but apparently I'm in it...

On phone:

GF: We're breaking up...
Me: I can hear you fine!
GF: It's not you, it's me...
Me: Did you get a new provider?
GF: Kinda... Bye!

Due to a tragic "iTunes on shuffle" incident, I have had to convince the guys at work that I have a 12yr old daughter they have never met...

Held the door open for a little punk at the store...

He walked through and ignored me.

I pushed him back in...

"Let's try that again!"

My pet name for my penis, for obvious reasons, is Whitesnake...

You know, cuz... "Here I go again on my own".

GF said she needed a douche...

I promptly put socks and flip-flops on and popped my collar...

Moon: Yo, Earth! Constant revolution?! Why so angry?

Earth: You just don't understand the gravity of the situation.

Sun: Oooh... Burn!!!

"I'm a hoarse whisperer..."

- Batman

They call him Peter Parker because Dick Placer was just too obvious...

Twitter...

Where I come to write my wrongs.

I believe that chicks are hornier than guys cuz chicks suck dick...

I have never been THAT horny...

Pitbull: Hey, what rhymes with "Kodak"?

Nicki Minaj: "Kodak", duh...

Pitbull: Thanks!

Buddy of mine dropped some acid... Burnt a hole in the floor... He was tripping for days!

Twitter has taught me how funny I THINK I am...

I'm just a guy standing in front of a dead hooker, thinking...

Think damn it! Think!

My not doing laundry has now affected my jerkin schedule...

I have basically "sock-blocked" myself...

Have to name this puppy I found in the dumpster pretty soon, cuz yelling "Come Dumpster!" at the park isn't going over so well...

Flirting on Twitter is like a virtual glory hole...

You're never really sure who's on the other side...

My Chinese tattoo says "I don't know".

People ask me what it says, hilarity ensues...

Theoretically.

At work:
Co-worker: Do you think that when it's hot out, darker skin attracts the heat more?

Me: "The heat"? Do you mean, like, the police?