The older I get, the hotter I used to be.

Marrying someone because you got pregnant is as logical as burning down the house because you took a shit in the toilet.

If Fried Chicken & Waffles are wrong....I don't want to be White.

I'll have what the girl vomiting on the sidewalk with her dress on backwards is having.

Sarah Palin says before immigrants become US citizens they should be able to speak proper English. You Betcha Darn Tootin Refudiate'n Ass!

My daughter just asked me what I did before electricity. So, I tased her and said "NOT THIS!!"

Thinking life should be fair because you are good, is just like assuming a crocodile won't rip your head off because you're a vegetarian.

So, declining from a wedding invite with “Sorry I can’t make it… but I’ll be sure to make your next one!!” didn’t go over too well.

You had me at "Vasectomy."

Is that chapstick in your pocket, or do you just drive a big truck?

1) Watch woman fall off treadmill.

2) Start to tweet about it.

3) Fall off treadmill.

4) Tweet from locker room in harrowing shame.

Sigmund Freud lives on through auto-correct.

GOP's next order of business: Prove Hawaii is not a state.

There's no point in using a big word, when an infinitesimally diminutive one will do.

Why the fuck would a baby have candy?

Sometimes I wish I had a glass eye, just to be able to watch people's expressions when I occasionally tap on it with a pen in conversation.

Never judge a Canadian 'til you walk aboot a kilometer in their shoes.....eh?

"OH SHIT! THIS CRAZY GUY IS TWIRLING A SIGN! LET'S GO THERE!!" - no one intelligent ever.

Twitter reminds me of a fridge when I'm bored; opening & closing it every few minutes to see if there's anything good.

Doctor prescribed steriods for my cough. After I'm done playing with my new set of balls, I'm going to fiercely break something.