@thesofiya The Burger King's whoppers are tasty but I have a serious issue with him declaring Primae Noctis on every woman that eats there.

just heard someone say to their cat "you ready to get down on some hardcore cuddling?" it was me, my voice said that.

i just said outloud "you just take your time, child" in the voice of an old sassy southern black lady to this slow running gas pump.

can some fine bearded/mustachioed fellow teach me the proper tissue grip to keep snot out of my whiskers while blowing my nose?

my bumper sticker says "swerves wildly around objects in the road that could contain a litter of newborn kittens"

@not_a_zeppelin I like to think he's running cuz he lost his drivers license for getting in too many accidents.

Zombiance, the store for zombie lovers.

old ladies spend a lot of time at the beauty salon to not be shaving their mustaches.

Just imagine a Secret Society made up entirely of dudes who do the spoken word part in R&B songs. What a damn sexy secret society.

how you gonna call yourself a "fromager" and you can't even tell me how puffy them cow nipples is that made this cheese?!
#cheeseshoptalk

whenever I'm pooping a lot of turds I like to say to my cat in a radio voice "the hits just keep on coming!" he laughs & laughs. good cat.

go on & #FF @corrosivebaker. and call him "Mr. Baker," if you're nasty.

Is it SO unreasonable to wait for a "Sexy Ladies of NPR News" wall calendar to be offered as a gift before I contribute to the pledge drive?

what do u call that panicked feeling 2 flee the bathroom when ur drying ur hands & u hear someone flush & get ready 2 come out of the stall?

the vending machine gave me TWO bags of doritos & returned all my $ to coin return, so pretty much irrefutable evidence of a benevolent God

are African-Americans as afraid of black ice as white people are?

@isaackozell your mom's so nice she'd give a Cormac McCarthy villain a hug

@corrosivebaker more like guess who has plans for the first half of Friday night.

you don't even have to wipe if you poop before you shower.

probably one the top 5 defining qualities of me as a human being are my freakishly weak thighs.