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I just followed the FBI.
How does it feel, fuckers?
HOW DOES IT FEEL?
I wasn’t masturbating, i was just cleaning it and it went off.
It is 11:39 Thursday night-If this tweet has 100 stars on favstar.fm @ midnight, Friday May 8, I'm donating all of my hair to Locks of Love.
If you would like to help with drug addiction and alcoholism, please send me your donations.
I'm out of drugs and alcohol.
Why do women always say "my eyes are up here?"
Like we don't know.
Obviously, I'll look at your eyes when I'm done looking at your tits.
I was about to do something awesome, again, but I told myself "Enough is enough, that's plenty of awesome for one day".
Someday I'll find her, and she will love me for who I am, not what I have.
I hope she's got a lot of money and a big house.
What nobody ever tells you as a kid is that at some point the drugs stop working.
What are you doing?
Come on over, we're going to grill some steaks and drink wine.
Pick up some steaks and wine on your way.
Why bother with online dating when I can meet great women on twitter and show them what an ass I am WITHOUT buying them dinner?
Sometimes I wish I could find a babysitter for the voices in my head.
You can be all sorts of old without being any sort of wise.
I was hoping my wife would get a twitter account so we could be charming and amusing as we banter back and forth.
But she hates me.
Tonights tweets are brought to us by the letter "R" and the number "um"
twitter doesn't make you crazy, it just helps you articulate how crazy you are
I am a social media expert. That means I can tweet while jerking off on chatroulette and play Farmville at the same time. Like right now.
I love you all.
Arrogant quips and psychotic wants aside, I really care about all of you that I'm sharing the planet with.
Hugs to you.
If world population is 6,800,226,066, and I have 209 followers here, 450 MySpace friends, and 345 facebook friends, I need better marketing.
My daughter is the coolest woman that I could ever dream of.
And I dream BIG.
Going on my first twitter date tonight. I can't wait to see her face when she finds out I'm really a hot 21 year old girl!
President of Earth Leader of the Free Fucking World