"Hey! Hey guys! Check this out! Guys! Seriously! It's amazing! Guys! GUYYYYYYS!" - Dogs

There is 1 mosquito in my apartment. I have 50 bullets.




Let's dance.

I avoid the self-checkout lane at the store, because that guy doesn't know what he's doing.

So texting "uh uh uh uh" while thrusting my pelvis doesn't count as sexting? This is too hard.

No...YOU TURN LEFT YOU ROBOT GPS BITCH!

this men's room does not have urinals.

this men's room is very clean.

this men's room has women in it.

i should leave this men's room.

HAHAHAHAHA THE PRINTER INK COSTS MORE THAN THE FUCKING PRINTER??? WELL PLAYED, ASSHOLES.

Dude that's not a tire swing its a warning to other tires that trespass in my yard

I just saved a ton of money on Christmas presents by discussing politics on Facebook.

You haven't lived until you've done something good for people that you'll never meet.

Hey, future boyfriend.

Hurry up.

Just put chopped up hard boiled egg on my Top Ramen like I'm rich or something.

Shot my first turkey today. . scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section...

Vote for me it's somebody else's fault!

My zero balance credit card is sexier than your high-maintenance girlfriend.

Blah blah blah Vibrator blah blah blah Vibrator

Did I do that right ladies?

Non-hair pullers need not reply.

I care so little that if I was a care bear, my name would be "Just Bear."

My poker face is when I'm standing in the express lane with 16 items.

My grandfather got shot in World War II and I'm sitting here wishing I could train a squirrel to say I love you