I often wonder why I watch bad reality tv. And then watch the news.

Sorry for the flood of 'hey! It's me!' tweets. But HEY! It's me damn it!

15 lb bag of dog food tipped. Picked up the 'Dirt Devil', turned it on and dog food flew everywhere. Leaf blower. I'm sober. Swear.

The UPS truck is to me as the ice cream truck to kids. Full of treats. Gimme! Gimme! Gimme!

'So you want cookie dough on your sugar-free, fat-free yogurt?' Look lady, I didn't say it makes sense...

Received an email to order Viagra. They obviously don't read my tweets. I am the queen of staying up all night.

I astounds me how difficult it is to waste time when I MUST do so. Any other time, I have it mastered.

Sooo, the reason I can't wear skinny jeans isn't b/c my arse is too big...my CLOWN FEET are too big to fit through the bottom of the legs

Day #3 of contemplating the laundry. I am feeling pretty good about day #4 and maybe even day #5.

Last night I dreamed I went to the tweet up. What the hell is wrong with you people?

Is it wrong that my sis & I are conspiring to figure out how to avoid mom when we call our dad for his bday? Yes? Then YOU call and risk it

Yesterday, 4yro neph asked me 'where does Jesus live?'. Buddy, you are barking up the wrong heathen. Hopefully he heard 'heaven'

Twizzlers. Strawberry straws forever. Or at least for breakfast.

Yep, just sent a male friend a text that said 'I am bringing the clam'...That would be the calm...he now thinks it is ON. That would be NO.

I love when the dog is napping sprawled on MY chest and gives a disgruntled growl when I move. How dare I?

I need to change my ways. I just cannot fathom eternity in hell. With my mother.

Purchased batteries for my scale this afternoon. I thought it was a smart moooooooove until I stepped on it for the first time in a month

There is a naked toddler in Wal-mart. NAKED. Does this happen in other towns? DOES IT?

I love going thru the grocery line and having the check out person ask, 'Is this good?' No, it tastes like shit. Coming over for dinner?

Insomniac put the dogs out at 430am. Made a cup of tea at 440am. Realized it was caffeinated at 455am. Tweeted at 456am.