I pray for a world where people are more tolerant of lactose.

I got a new plant, I shall name it Robert.

I always use the porn superstore as a landmark when giving directions to the elderly.

WHAT DO WE WANT?

A time machine!!!

WHEN DO WE WANT IT?

Yeah, well, that's really fucking Irrelevant.

I wonder how long it would take to actually nickel and dime someone to death.

Its a good thing I learned Hackey Sack when I was younger, it lessens the blow every time I drop my phone.

By the looks of my Favstar page, I should have joined Twitter Jr.

I swear I could have been a millionaire if Mrs. Pac Man was a sport, or was never invented.

My neighbors are never amused when I put three beer bottles on my finger tips and invite them to "come out to plaaayaaay"

Just gave myself a pearl bracelet. :)

Just stole some Klondike Bars cause fuck doing shit.

My phone battery died. I am now bound by cord, like most of my sexual partners.

My touchdown dance would be scraping my ass on the ground in the endzone like a dog.

Why can't I ever find these backpacks full of coke that wash up on the beach? You wouldn't see a news report about it.

Are qualms a side effect of something? Because I have a lot of them.

If you don't follow me back, I will UNFOLLOW your ASS!! and put you in a list, I'm just warning you. Wait, you can't see this can you. :(

Tebow will rise in three days and win that game.

I looked up at my microwave to check the time, it said END.

Personally, I don't give a fuck. Unless I'm horny, which is most of the time so this is kind of a pointless tweet.

Never trust this hooker that just offered me a rebate.